Helpful instructions for dealing with women about to give birth:
1.) If you answer the phone with “IS THE BABY HERE?” she will never call you again. Fucking answer the phone like a normal person, with a “Hello?” If the baby is here, she will probably tell you at some point in the conversation. Similarly, if you call her, don’t start the conversation with “Just calling to see if the baby is here.” Someone will let you know, I promise. Unless you’ve been too annoying in the last few weeks of the pregnancy, in which case you’re off the list of who gets called.
2.) Don’t comment on her size. She has a full size infant in her abdominal cavity and is well aware of how she looks.
3.) Perhaps you should start thinking of a due date as a “ready after” date instead of a “best before” date. (Side-note – in the unlikely event we have a 3rd kid, I am totally giving a false due date to everyone.) Corollary: Don’t start getting antsy about the baby coming at 37 weeks because if she goes to 42 weeks EVERYONE is going to be miserable including you when she punches you in the kidneys after one too many “It’s getting so close!” comments.
4.)Â Yes, she is “ready”, and if she weren’t she wouldn’t be talking to YOU about it.
5.)  Do not expound on dangerous and ill-advised baby-eviction methods. Even if your idiot OB recommends induction for no good reason doesn’t mean all of us want to increase our risk of major abdominal surgery because we’re a little uncomfortable. And no, I’m not going to take castor oil. And stop asking if I am having sex or eating eggplant or spicy foods. Probably the answer is “Yes, I’m trying the fucking old wives tales, but I hate you and everything you stand for so I don’t want to talk to you about it.”
So yeah, I’m doing fine. You?
February 16th, 2009 at 7:39 am
I promise to do none of those if you will let me pat your belly. *ducks*
Glad to hear that other than annoying questions, seems thing to be progressing well! Can’t wait to see your gorgeous photos of Baby Boy. (Seriously, I’ve been amazed at your photography on Flickr! So, so good.)
February 16th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Having been through it twice I can honestly say that there is NOTHING a third trimester pregnant woman wants to hear from ANYONE except, “Why don’t you sit down while I make you a snack/clean your house/run to the store for you.”
Sending you virtual errand running and ice cream from Texas.
February 16th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
You want me to come by and smack some bitches for you? I totally will. Here’s hoping you don’t have to suffer too much longer. (On the plus side, at least you’re married to a lawyer if you accidentally kill someone for being a jackass?)
February 16th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
What about asking if you are sure you’re not having twins? Is that allowed?
Kidding! Hope all is well and give Dorrie a hug for me.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Becca hit the nail on the head.
You have my sympathy! I won’t even tell you to “hang in there”, because it’s not as though you have much choice in the matter.
For what it’s worth, I’d slide an ottoman under your feet and bring you a cup of tea, if I could.
February 19th, 2009 at 4:12 am
I used to get really SICK of explaining to people that the baby was not “late” just because it was 3 days after the due date.
Hope you’re sleeping okay. HA!
February 21st, 2009 at 8:39 am
This cracked me up! The best part was the eggplant comment. I went into labor with my 2nd after pigging out on some baba ghanouj at a Persian buffet. Heh.
The only thing I wanted to hear at this point was “wow! you look great! have another enchilada.”
February 24th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
Oh yay! I totally love these posts. I was rolling at the ones you wrote when you were preggo last time.