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I’ll have some coffee, please.

I have a meme to do, thanks to Dawnie, but before that can happen I have to share pregnancy comments du jour.

I’m 29 weeks, people. I have 11(ish) weeks to go. The baby has to get between 2 and 3 times bigger. I’m not that worried about it, but everyone around me seems to think it is horrific! And traumatic! And will never happen!

My theory is twofold.
1.) People don’t know how big pregnant women actually get. Perhaps TV and movies aren’t the best place to get your info about what the correct size is. Everyone carries their babies differently, and so just because someone doesn’t look like the last person you were around, it doesn’t mean something is wrong or disturbing.
2.) As my husband just reminded me in an email, “Remember, honey. A baby in a 120 lb. 5′2″ body looks a lot bigger than that same baby in a 5′8″ 140 lb. body.” Now, I’m not 120 anymore like I was when I started this whole pregnancy thing (no sirree bob HA HA HA HA 120 HEE. HIL. LARIOUS. Whew! Ahem.), but he makes a good point. I’m not a very big person to start with but when you stick a baby, placenta, a bunch of amniotic fluid, and whatever else goes into baby-assembly into the same place where all of my organs (my poor, abused, smushed organs) need to go, it’s all got to go somewhere.

That being said, I will give the internet world a few more tips on dealing with pregnant women.

  • “Wow, are you going to get bigger maternity clothes soon?” is not a good comment. It’s just not. In fact, it’s so bad that when I told my husband about it, he was more horrified than I was that someone would say that. I think it’s worse when you’ve made a point to dress nicely and you’re feeling like you’re kind of cute. Then someone makes you feel like you’re so fat your clothes don’t even fit - and the good feeling goes away.
  • Pretty much anything that involves the words, “Huge,” “Massive,” “Gigantic,” or “Walrus-like” is unacceptable. (Okay, that last one was a joke. But all of the other ones have been said to me by various people.) I know my body is changing, but a better way to put it would be, “Adorable,” or “Hott.” (with the two t’s. That’s important.) Another thing that is best not to say is any approximation of, “Wait, how are you supposed to get any bigger?!?!” Um, 1.) I don’t know, and 2.) it’s not like I can do anything about it!
  • A conversation while waiting for the #66 Chicago Ave. bus:
    Random youngish black guy: “Wow, you look like you’re going to go any day now! How much longer?”
    Me: “Um, about 2 1/2 more months.”
    Random: “DAMN, girl! That is one big baby.”
    Let’s think of ways in which this could be construed as a compliment. Or constructive. Oh, right, it can’t. He just thinks I’m freakishly massive.
  • As I walked back to the office from my doctor, I walked past two women sitting on a bench, smoking and talking. I passed them and one said, “That girl has got a boy in there.” The other one said, “Sure does.”
    Hmm. Well, I suppose it’s possible, though the ultrasound woman was pretty emphatic that not only did she NOT see boy parts, but she actually saw the harder-to-see girl parts. It was really funny to hear myself as a topic of conversation, though, and especially a topic of wrong conversation. We’ll see. If I end up with a boy, I suppose I owe them an apology. And he’ll be wearing a lot of pink.
  • If I’m walking down the street with a cup from, say, Intelligentsia, please don’t say, “That had better not be coffee! It’s not good for the baby!”
    My responses in my head are as follows:
    -”What makes you think it’s coffee? I hate coffee. It’s either tea or hot chocolate*.”
    -”Caffeine in moderation is fine. 300 mg of caffeine is the recommended max for a pregnant woman, which equals out to between 2 and 3 cups of coffee per day. But thanks for sharing your outdated, wrong, and intrusive information with me, who as a knocked-up chick obviously doesn’t know any better.”
    -”Fuck off, jerkwad.”
    What do I actually say? Nothing. I just get pissed and silent and give an annoyed look. How many times has this (or similar) happened to me? Five at last count.

    • I got a lot (somewhere around 8-10 different people) of other comments today just on the way to and from the doctor, but they were all of the friendly type. The “When are you due? Is it your first? Congratulations!” type. All pregnant women whine a little about how they have answered those questions SO MANY TIMES, but when people are excited for me and polite about it, I love talking to them about how thrilled I am.

    And I will say this. No one has touched my stomach uninvited yet except for close friends and family who are allowed. It could still change, but I think that I may send off “Touch me and I kick you in the balls” vibes to strangers on public transit, which rocks. I don’t want to have to start smacking people around.

    *Public Service Announcement: Intelligentsia has the best damn hot chocolate I have ever had in my life. Go there.

    This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 10th, 2006 at 9:51 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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